Grow your Family’s Relationship Superpowers

I’m so pleased to share this recently published book by my friend and colleague, Dr. Saliha Bava, and her partner, Mark Greene.

Although we might agree in theory that parenting is indeed a relational endeavor, our language belies this perspective. For example, we describe the child as “oppositional defiant” as though she existed in a relational vacuum, without that ‘other’ person she must oppose.

Diagnostic criteria focuses on the individual and obscures the parts of the relational system that promote imbalance and ill health.  This extends beyond the family system to the school, community and environment in which families are situated.  But responses to poverty or racism are not part of our diagnostic nomenclature.  We focus instead on the interiorized pathology of the individual, as if divorced from her community and relational world.

Bava and Green eloquently describe what happens in the relationship between parent and child:

“As we are shaping them, they are shaping us”

Indeed, we are changed as we parent,  uncovering parts of ourselves as we are buffeted from one intense emotion to the next.

Green talks about the opportunities in this process:

“for me to discover that I have some agency in those relationships, in those spaces, that there are ways I can operate that help me not fall prey to my own doubts, fears or concerns. “

The doubts, fears and concerns we harbor as parents are openings for change:

“If we have more flexibility, if we can look at problems from more angles, if we can hold our fears and concerns more lightly, if we can be more playful and collaborative,

If we can wait and see what’s emerging before we name and define our responses, all of these things are possible .”

 

I invite you and yours to hone your “family relationship superpowers” by engaging with this brilliant and captivating guide.  The Relational Book for Parenting: Raising Children to Connect, Collaborate, and Innovate by Growing our Families’ Relationship Superpowers is now available.

Enjoy this video by the authors https://player.vimeo.com/video/267271358“>video by the authors and you and your family can grow your relationship superpowers!

Happy Valentines Day

Family historian,  Stephanie Coontz, is admittedly one of my favorites.

Former President of The Council on Contemporary Families, Dr. Coontz brings a much needed perspective to our cultural discourses about marriage and family life.  Her capacity to mine enormous bodies of data and expose trends about the current state of relationships is remarkable – and very much needed.  The landscape of marriage and family is not easy to navigate, and I’m grateful for her clarity and perspective.

In that spirit (and because tomorrow is Valentines Day), I wanted to share her New York Times piece, For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person.

Couple and family therapists are well aware of the hazards when two people believe they can be ‘everything’ to each other.  From a historical perspective, this “soul mate,” “one and only,” “romantic love” narrative is a fairly recent phenomenon.  In the not too distant past, one’s marital partner was not expected to fulfill so many needs; rather, marriage was more of an economic arrangement, with less expectation of emotional fulfillment from that one person. (For a full discussion, check out Dr. Coontz’s 2006 book: Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage). 

I’ve said before that one of the more exciting things about being a Couple and Family Therapist today is the research that shows the significance of relationship in one’s life.  In a shift from the traditional, individual paradigm that has dominated psychological theory, the new “science of relationship” and data from a wide variety of studies shows what we family therapists have intuited for so long: that the quality of one’s relationships matters to health and well being.

In her Times article, Coontz shifts her lens to the impact of community on marriage.  She finds that social networks of friends and family are enormously helpful to the couple:

“having supportive friendships is associated with more satisfying marriages, even among couples already content with the support they get from each other.”

And, the benefits go beyond the psychological health of the marriage:

“…..health researchers report that maintaining high levels of social integration provides as much protection against early mortality as quitting smoking. In fact, having weak social networks is a greater risk factor for dying early than being obese or sedentary. One analysis of 148 separate health studies found that people who cultivated a wide network of friends and other social relationships had a mortality risk 50 percent lower than those with weak ties.”

Therapists typically attempt to shift the dynamics between the members of the couple they see for treatment.  Coontz warns against using such a narrow lens:

“Many marriage counselors focus narrowly on improving partners’ couple skills without taking into account how the marital relationship is affected by interactions with other people. Yet a 2017 study found that when people socialize more frequently with good friends, they not only report fewer depressive symptoms themselves, but so do their partners.”

So, Happy Valentines Day.  Here’s to celebrating the many relationships that edify our lives, and contribute to our health and well being.

Read Dr Coontz’s full article here

Family and friends can be powerful tools in improving health

David Asch MD and Roy Rosin, MBA of The Center for Healthcare Innovation at Penn Medicine have published an article  in The New England Journal of Medicine that supports the involvement of family and friends in improving health and health care outcomes.

At The Center for Couples and Adult Families, we are thrilled to  share this vision: that the quality of one’s relationships matters and has important and measurable impact on health and well being.

Holiday Tips from a Family Therapist

Fir Branch With Pine Cone And Snow Flakes

 

Each year around this time, conversations with clients turn to the predictable stress of time with family over the holidays.

Like ghosts in the night, old issues, long dormant, reappear at holiday time. How is it that an adult with partner and children can walk into their parents’ home and instantly feel 10 years old again? The anticipation of a holiday encounter can lead any adult to feel slightly unhinged in a way that few other situations do.

Let’s face it, no one can upset you like a family member.

Here are some ideas to try on this holiday season. They are born of basic tenets of family therapy theory and are utterly applicable to a variety of anticipated holiday situations:


1. Plan and be strategic. 

It’s always a good idea to warn someone that you are going to make a change before you actually do:

“I was thinking about the holiday, and this year I might do something a bit different.”

You don’t even have to be sure of what specific change you’re going to make, the point is to warn others first. That way, you can attempt to avoid their shock and surprise when you decide not to follow the family script – you know, ‘the way it’s always been and everyone (but you) wants to continue’.

This can be particularly useful when, for example, you have young children and want to begin to create your own traditions around the holidays. Perhaps you feel the stress of traveling with small children in an effort to please everyone, or because ‘you’ve done it every year, and they’re counting on you.’ So let people know in advance and find allies to support your change.

Which brings me to the next point.

2. Expect a reaction.

It is true that relationships have much in common with physics: for every action there is a reaction. Families attempt to maintain a homeostasis – a state of balance, maintained by familiar patterns and expectations. Think of the tremendous impact it has upon relationships when a family member joins or leaves the system; these points of normative developmental crises, birth, adolescence, marriage, or death, each require a renegotiation of previous roles and rules in the family system. Holiday traditions are valued as markers of continuity, so changes, however minor, can feel disruptive and unsettling.

3. Focus on yourself.  

You can change only your behavior, not the behavior of others.

Admittedly, this is a tough one. It’s the balancing act between giving up the dream of what can be, and accepting what is. There is much integrity in changing one’s own behaviors in a respectful and compassionate way, and it’s sad to realize that, for now, others may just not be who you want them to be.

Developing a curiosity about yourself may help. This might be a good time to entertain the questions:  Why does this person still hold so much power over me?  Why do I still need my mother/father/sibling to compliment or recognize me? How is it that I have come to this place in my life carrying that old wound?

4. There’s always next year.

Your opportunities to practice being different in your family are boundless. Try to think of this as one of many steps toward change. It will most likely take more than one conversation and there can be complicating factors: addiction, trauma, divorce, remarriage. Relationships take time, so keep in mind the long term; families are full of surprises and unpredictability as the family life cycle inevitably moves into the future.

When I hear a person in their 20’s or 30’s say “I’ll never have a relationship with my brother, I respond, “Well, let’s think about this for a moment. If you both live until you’re 80, are you telling me nothing will happen over the next 50 years? Most likely, your parents will predecease you, and you and he will together become the oldest living generation in the family. You may each partner with someone, and perhaps become aunt and uncle to each other’s children.”

There are endless circumstances that create opportunities for us to evolve in our family system.

Lastly, I try to remember at this time of abundance and giving thanks, that to even think about the quality of relationship is, of itself,  both a blessing and a privilege.

With all my best to you and yours during this special season,

Jacqueline Hudak

 

 

CCAF Event 9/28/16 Supporting Transgender Young Adults: Working Collaboratively with Family and Individual Treatment

Join colleagues at Penn Medicine and CHOP for this exciting panel, lead by transgender activist and family therapist, DR. ELIJAH NEALY.  They will address the importance of family therapy in the treatment of transgender young adults.

Dr. Nealy will be joined by Jacqueline HUDAK, PhD., LMFT, The Center for Couples and Adult Families, Perelman School of Medicine, Linda HAWKINS, Ph.D., Gender and Sexuality Development Clinic, CHOP, and Benoit DUBÉ, MD, Perelman School of Medicine.

 Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

6-8PM

16th Fl., 3535 Market Street

Philadelphia, PA 19104

A light dinner will be served

 RSVP sean.smith@uphs.upenn.edu

For the past 25 years, Elijah C. Nealy, PhD, M.Div., LCSW has worked extensively with LGBTQ adolescents and adults in both pastoral and social service capacities. Currently an assistant professor of social work at the University of Saint Joseph, West Hartford, CT, his clinical practice has focused on transgender and gender diverse youth and their families. Ordained with Metropolitan Community Church, Dr. Nealy regularly preaches and provides trainings for clinicians, faith communities, and organizations. An openly identified transgender man, Dr. Nealy lives in West Hartford with his partner and is the proud father of three amazing young people. He is the author of Transgender Children and Youth: Cultivating Pride and Joy with Families in Transition [Norton, February 2017].

 

 

The Changing Family and How it Influences Identity: Penn Spectrum Weekend, 9/23-25

CCAF Clinical director, Jacqueline Hudak, will present on a panel about “The Changing Family” during Penn Spectrum Weekend.

Held during alumni weekend, Penn Spectrum “brings together alumni for dialogue centered on issues of cultural identity. We welcome alumni and allies from all backgrounds as well as current Penn undergraduate and graduate students. The conference focuses on issues pertinent to the Black, Latinx, Native, Asian, and LGBTQ alumni and student communities.”

For a full schedule of events, check out the link here.

Emotional Cutoffs in Families

I had a wonderful time presenting to physicians, nurses, social workers and psychologists at The Reading Hospital this spring.

The audience wanted to understand the meaning of emotional cutoff and the impact of this process on development and family relationships over the course of the life cycle.

Always true to my training as a family therapist, I began with my family genogram, and a story about my father’s cutoff from his family of origin. This happened when I was two years old and shaped the events in our family for many years to come. His alienation from his own family became the landscape of our life; it was always present. At certain times, like holidays, or life cycle events, like death, the impact was more acute. This relational rupture shaped how he was viewed by us, his immediate family members, influenced decisions, and had a grave impact on his health.

Father and daughter

Emotional cutoffs are the natural mechanisms people use to counter high anxiety or high emotional fusion, also known as ‘too much closeness.’ A cutoff can look like physical or emotional withdrawal, avoidance of sensitive topics, physically moving away from family members or rarely going home.

Relationships may look “better” if people cutoff to manage them, but the problems remain, and are dormant.

Although people reduce the tensions of family relationships by cutting off, they risk making their new relationships too important. For example, the more a man cuts off from his family of origin, the more he may look to his spouse, children, and friends to meet his needs. This makes him vulnerable to pressuring them to be certain ways for him or accommodating too much to their expectations of him out of fear of jeopardizing the relationship.

Not all cutoffs are unwarranted, however.  In some cases they are necessary, or preferred, as in the case of emotional or physical abuse.

There are circumstances when someone may be coached to ‘cut off.’ For example, consider the concept of ‘tough love’ or ‘letting someone hit bottom’ that is often suggested when a loved one is suffering with addiction. Post divorce families also struggle with physical and emotional cutoffs as issues of loyalty are prominent.

The words “cut off” imply a static state – a lack of motion or movement.   However, to remain angry or to hold a grudge are in fact, actions.

Consider these verbs: to harbor bitter feelings, resent, brood, or stew.  

Indeed, it is possible to become so wrapped up in the wrong that’s been done to you that you can’t enjoy the present. And there are significant health consequences. Anger, frustration and sadness increase the stress hormone, cortisol.

Experiencing these negative emotions instinctually prepares the body to fight.  A prolonged state of fight increases levels of protein in the bloodstream which promote cardiovascular disease and stroke. But here’s the good news: Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack, improving cholesterol levels and sleep, reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.

Chronic anger puts you into a fight or flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response.  Those changes then increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions.  Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, and leads to improved health.

Perhaps in the next post I’ll write about the work of forgiveness and repair.  But for now, a return to my own family story.

About ten years into the cutoff, around the death of my paternal grandparents, my father’s siblings began to contact him.  These vaguely familiar men, my uncles, were welcomed into our home, and celebrated.

My father’s expansive capacity for forgiveness has stayed with me, and brought valuable lessons which I apply in clinical work with families: that despite dire circumstances, change can happen, and usually does.

We just need to take the long view – that is, a family life cycle perspective. We are constantly negotiating closeness and distance in our relationships over time; we readjust   according to the phase of the life cycle.  The warmth and closeness around the time of birth is juxtaposed with the ‘letting go’ required for launching into young adulthood.

The practice of compassion and forgiveness, for ourselves as well as those we love, will enhance our health and nourish our spirits as we face the challenges that will inevitably come.