Three Perspectives on Marriage

Every so often I read something that speaks to a yet unarticulated thought or idea about my work with couples and families. Such was the case when I read NY Times columnist David Brooks’s article “Three Views of Marriage.”

He describes three prevailing perspectives on marriage: the psychological, the romantic, and, what he calls the moral view.

It was Brooks’s description of the moral view that spoke to me.

As a couple and family therapist, I am witness to the transformational power of love. I see individuals attempt to put aside their own agenda for the ‘greater good.’ This greater good is often the third dimension: the marriage itself. In my work I endeavor to give voice to this relational arena.  I try to make this otherwise silent and invisible domain come alive and use all the leverage that love and bonding bestow – to create something larger than the sum of two individuals.

“In this view marriage isn’t about 2 individuals trying to satisfy their own needs; it’s a partnership of mutual self giving for the purpose of moral growth…..(this is the) view of marriage as a binding moral project.”

Indeed, I have observed this in my work with couples, but didn’t have the words to describe what was happening.  It is a feeling of surrender, a letting go, only to find themselves part of something larger.  I see my clients delight in this experience.

Brooks also provides a lovely depiction of the inevitable trajectory of romantic love:

“…you need a few years of passionate love to fuse you together so you’ll stay together when times get hard. It’s a process beautifully described by a character in Louis de Bernières’s novel “Corelli’s Mandolin”:

“Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it. We had roots that grew toward each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

I admire a writer like Brooks who can so eloquently describe the mysteries of relationship and love.  And, who can articulate the feelings suspended in the air in my small sunny office that I can sense, but cannot yet put into words.

Read the full article here

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